Reset

I started this blog when my marriage fell apart to capture sort of stream of consciousness feelings that I was feeling.  Sometimes when you are times of great change or stress, all these feelings sort of bleed out of you and writing them down is kind of like organizing them and putting them somewhere so you don't have to carry them all over yourself all the time.

So the blog started with very vague ramblings and now I'm to the point where I don't need to be vague anymore because things are getting more clear.  However things are still very confusing so I will continue this blog as part of the healing process and a way to sort my feelings into manageable pieces.

I have learned a lot about myself in the last few months.  I learned that I married really young and at the time it was the relationship and person I needed. He was stable, caring, selfless. I had not experienced that before and I was certain that those qualities meant love. I was exciting and dynamic and entertaining. We were yin and yang. It made sense, we were in love, there was no reason not to get married.

But over time we grew apart.  In the end, we were very good friends but not the right people for each other long term. I think we learned a lot from each other and became better people, but it wasn't worth it to stay in a marriage that was just okay.

It was one of the hardest things I've had to do. But I've had to do a lot of hard things lately.  I had to watch my Mom die, I had to put my dog of 17 years to sleep. I had to leave my job of 7 years that was a huge part of my life.  I had to and still am dealing with the resurrection of an anxiety disorder that I thought was over and done with.

And now there's this guy in my life who I care for very deeply and I'm pretty sure he feels the same about me. He doesn't want a relationship. He doesn't want to answer to anyone. He wants to be free. I can't fault him for that. When he's with me, I am on top of the world. When he's away from me and with other people I feel very low. It's a roller coaster that I am only strong enough to hang onto but not step off of and I don't know even if I should. I think sometimes the reason he is so guarded is because he feels that he doesn't deserve to be loved. So instead he chooses emptiness and pushes me away.  Do you give up on something that at it's purest level is a human connection? Or do you love unconditionally and give someone patience and understanding because that is what they need? Where's the line between self protection and understanding?

Honestly, I don't know. Maybe I'm choosing hurt because that's what's familiar. Maybe I'm choosing him because I don't feel like I deserve love either. I wonder if anyone really has this figured out.

But for now, we have trust, we have honesty, we have connection, we have support, we have friendship, we have adventure. And I can't give up on that.