Reset

I started this blog when my marriage fell apart to capture sort of stream of consciousness feelings that I was feeling.  Sometimes when you are times of great change or stress, all these feelings sort of bleed out of you and writing them down is kind of like organizing them and putting them somewhere so you don't have to carry them all over yourself all the time.

So the blog started with very vague ramblings and now I'm to the point where I don't need to be vague anymore because things are getting more clear.  However things are still very confusing so I will continue this blog as part of the healing process and a way to sort my feelings into manageable pieces.

I have learned a lot about myself in the last few months.  I learned that I married really young and at the time it was the relationship and person I needed. He was stable, caring, selfless. I had not experienced that before and I was certain that those qualities meant love. I was exciting and dynamic and entertaining. We were yin and yang. It made sense, we were in love, there was no reason not to get married.

But over time we grew apart.  In the end, we were very good friends but not the right people for each other long term. I think we learned a lot from each other and became better people, but it wasn't worth it to stay in a marriage that was just okay.

It was one of the hardest things I've had to do. But I've had to do a lot of hard things lately.  I had to watch my Mom die, I had to put my dog of 17 years to sleep. I had to leave my job of 7 years that was a huge part of my life.  I had to and still am dealing with the resurrection of an anxiety disorder that I thought was over and done with.

And now there's this guy in my life who I care for very deeply and I'm pretty sure he feels the same about me. He doesn't want a relationship. He doesn't want to answer to anyone. He wants to be free. I can't fault him for that. When he's with me, I am on top of the world. When he's away from me and with other people I feel very low. It's a roller coaster that I am only strong enough to hang onto but not step off of and I don't know even if I should. I think sometimes the reason he is so guarded is because he feels that he doesn't deserve to be loved. So instead he chooses emptiness and pushes me away.  Do you give up on something that at it's purest level is a human connection? Or do you love unconditionally and give someone patience and understanding because that is what they need? Where's the line between self protection and understanding?

Honestly, I don't know. Maybe I'm choosing hurt because that's what's familiar. Maybe I'm choosing him because I don't feel like I deserve love either. I wonder if anyone really has this figured out.

But for now, we have trust, we have honesty, we have connection, we have support, we have friendship, we have adventure. And I can't give up on that.

Dads and Peanut Butter & Jelly

When you are going through some crazy life shit, it actually really helps to have a crazy dad. 

I never thought I would say this.

However, when you need to be you, and the you that you need to be is a bit off kilter- opposing social norms, then low and behold, your crazy dad is about the only person who's going to understand it. 

Turns out, my weird, crazy dad is weird and crazy for the same reasons that I'm weird and crazy.  Neither of us much care about what others think of us.  And we both know a secret- the meaning of life is about being happy.  Not a quest for happiness, but being happy in the moment.  And he has some damn good advice:

Do what makes you happy, and everyone else will fall in line behind you.

And after that, he made me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with a side of grapes. 

And I decided that while others may judge him for being weird and crazy, I'm not going to.  Because when my dad dies, I'll never worry about if he was happy or not, because I know that he is.

Going Through Stressful Times

Christians say that if God brings you to it, he'll bring you through it.  I've never been a Christian, but I will say that some things in life are inevitable.  They are going to happen. You can fight it or you can rise above and accept the change and move on, knowing that this stressful time is temporary and beyond the stress, is another period of happiness, lightness, and good times. 

I think stress is so often self inflicted. Stress can be something that happens to you, but often, it's really just how you think and feel and react to what's happening that creates (or doesn't) the stress. 

My wish for everyone I care about is to understand at some point how they can mold their life into what they want instead of being a victim of circumstance. Take it as it comes and  do the best you can. 

Like floating on your back down a peaceful clear river, with no aim or destination, but living the moment and knowing the river keeps going.

The Chronicles of an Adventurer

My life is changing, but that's to be expected. 

I've been cooped up in my own mind for too long. It's time to fly. I'm going to try everything. I'm going to go on adventures. I'm going to be as fierce as a wolverine. As calm as still waters. 

Fear cuts deeper than Swords.

Whoever made us believe we'd be the same forever and feel the same ways forever? Sameness is a lie. Shackles are self-inflicted. Don't listen to society. Be yourself, whatever that is and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. 

Life is short, people. The breath you just breathed could've been your last. So live it up. Be wild. Be kind, but not at your own expense. Protect your values. 

Acknowledge your beauty as big and mishapen as the mountains and as smooth and wistful as the waves. Now is the time. Now is the time. No better time than now.

Compete- with yourself.

Fight- for the life you were meant to live.

Be.